i want a love that will last.
It's been longer than I had anticipated, and i'm truly sorry for my absence.
If i'm not working or learning, i'm most definitely sleeping.
But do not feel forgotten, i will never grow weary of loving you.
Where do i even start? Well, i suppose i could start from the least interesting matter.
Now that i'm back in the classroom, my life has become all the more routine. And while i try to live my life as spontaneous as i can possibly allow myself, i find my days to be thoroughly planned out, with no room to dilly-dally. Oh, the many roses i've neglected to smell. Nevertheless, I am satisfied with my educational career. My progress is acceptable, my procrastination, well, that will never change. I'll work on it...later.
I've been spending time with those dear to me, lately. That's not to say that I don't do that often, I just don't do it enough. I never have time. Time, such a funny thing it is. You know, i feel as if Time was only invented to give us relief from all the chaos. A sort of, self disciplinary tool that we as humans decided necessary to have. Because without it, there would be no worm for the early bird to get. In fact, an "early" bird wouldn't even exist. Without it, we would never get anything done. And yet, we never have enough of it. ANYWAY, i've been spending time with a very special friend lately, and while we all know i am the biggest sucker for any form of companionship, i've come to see that i will almost never be fully happy. This friend has been nothing but sweet to me, however i am constantly finding myself digging and spying for reasons to end things. You know, i guess if i really think about it, I look for ways to make myself unhappy. Numerous times, i have been placed in courtships that hold great potential for growing and flourishing, however, my being so used to independence and my insecurity to thoroughly and comfortably give my heart away does not allow them to do so. I'm afraid of my greatest interest. I admire the thing i fear the most. Love. shocking to hear coming from me, i know. I love, Love. you know that. However, Love is never the way that we love to daydream it to be (Thanks, Erica!.) Love takes time, it takes work; real, effortful and effortless, work. I guess it's the work that I'm afraid of. Now, i know that the preceding description is as close to contradictory as any statement can get, but allow me to elucidate.
Love happens. it just does. While Love cannot be pushed or forced, it cannot be left to sit still, either. Love is a compromise. Compromise, is a two-way street. One must learn to cherish the 'likes' and to not hold the 'dislikes' against the other, but to take them with a grain of salt. We are all imperfect, after all. (But the one you Love, is the only perfect exception, of course.) Love requires making a few sacrifices, while making sure you're not the only one making efforts. And yet, at the same time, Love means taking all of the above, and making sure that it all happens, effortlessly. It's almost scary to think about, that's what my problem is. Why would we ever want to put in all that effort when it might not even get us that far? Because falling in love is like taking a risk. Not IS a risk, but like. Risks are taken consciously. Love is a risk that we are unaware of ever taking. Love is the only decision that we ALL make, unconsciously. Falling in love takes no time or effort at all, while also taking the most work. Love is so simplistic. Love is so complicated. Love drives us crazy, while giving us sanity. Love gives us heartbreak, so we can find happiness. Love gives us loneliness, while providing companionship. Love gives us everything, when we have nothing at all. We give our hearts blindly, because Love is meant to be unpredictable and unseen. One day i'll stop being afraid. Afraid of the commitment, the reality, the trust; the work. I don't know when I'll ever take that risk again, but what I do know is, i'm ready for it, eyes wide shut.
Be sure to love effortlessly, effortful.
I love you, always.
In Joy, Enjoy.
-jLv
P.S.
My sister is in town, the real one. Pictures soon :)
