There's nothing we can do about.

The things we have to live without.

Of all the times that I have gone with endless numbers of hourglasses running out until I return to these pages, I will admit that this has been the longest. And with this realization comes an additional epiphany; that my happiest and most thorough writings only were born from the moments in which you were still around.

I wholeheartedly apologize for my long leave, darling. And while it does not excuse what’s been done, just know that I still have loved you enough to return to you. I hope you have been kind to yourself and to your others.

So close to feeling alive.
…or so I thought.
A good time or so ago, I made a decision that took every ounce of willpower that my blood pumper and weakened soul to make. And though I expected the opposing party to indeed, oppose, my decision, they agreed with the thought and that was that. For days at a time I was in denial as to how lost I really was. It was new, it was different. It was like doing everything with my left hand. I was capable of functioning just fine and getting by, but never once did anything I accomplished feel “right.” Never before have I ever wanted to be ambidextrous.

You and I –well, I should say, ‘he and I’- had attempted to forget each other multiple times; but not like this. For once, we followed through. Or at least, you did. I always wondered when it would stop; the constant wondering, how your name crossed my mind almost as much as I took breaths, everything. And I can honestly say, it hasn’t stopped at all. Maybe that means something, or maybe it’s just my own helplessness calling out for a step forward.

Sure, I’ve given others a chance. Bachelors of all sorts – the kind, the cold, the dorky, the suave, the near, the far, the tall, the short – but to my own mistake, I did the worst thing a lover should ever do: compare. Constantly comparing everyone to someone else is just a concealed way of looking for the other person’s clone. You’re holding me back without even trying. The worst thing is, the day that I go a full sun’s routine without thinking of you, I won’t even be aware of it to enjoy it. Sickeningly ironic.

DigressDigressDigress

I’ve been disgustingly busy lately. My debutante’s ball took place just this past weekend. (For those unaware of what a debutante is, it is similar to a Quincinera, but for those turning 18. A sort of “coming out” party, if you will.) Never before has preparation for an event been so stressful. My mother and I reached the (I hope) climax of our teenage-mother battles and I had found more gray hairs in one month than I have in my lifetime. Nevertheless, I had a ball (literally and metaphorically!) and would not trade a single moment of that evening for anything. Although, I had only wished you were there to see me.

Everyone is moving so far away. While I am endlessly happy for those going of to Universities to make something of themselves and/or to pursue paths that would further their athletic careers, the feeling is bittersweet. I was never good with goodbyes. And while the “see you soon’s” are comforting, every now and then we must sacrifice comfort with reality. I may in fact, never see you soon or ever again, but I wish you all the best of luck, sincerely and dearly. I’ve always been fascinated with the directions we are taken in sync with our decisions, and I hope that the turns your decisions make for you in your life’s drive lead you to your ideal destination. Love, love, love, to you all.

I still often dream about the day that I find someone to love that I know will not be here forever. But, in love, they will remain for always. I still wonder how it will feel to be able to tell someone “yeah, he’s with me.” It will be that kind of love where you can still feel the other person’s heartbeat for a thousand miles. The kind of love that even time will lie down and be still for. I often wonder how often people find that love. While some claim to have found it more than once, there are those who make no claim at all. Of course, there are the false claims. The plastic kind. The kind of love where one marries for fortune and loses their self respect. I would much rather love a poor man and be able to live with myself and the actions I’ve made from the day I said, “I do.”

I’d like to take a moment to formally apologize.
To apologize for any inadvertent emotional despair I’ve caushed.
To apologize for not keeping my word.
To apologize for being inconsiderate of the way you feel.
To apologize for blaming my actions on poor excuses.
To apologize for not being capable of letting love in as often as I preach about wanting to.
To apologize for my many contradictory statements and condescending actions.
And especially, apologize to someone in particular. It was wrong of me to bring you into my mess. I tried my best to remain as honest as possible with you. I just was never one to believe in starting something that i could not begin with a full and strong 100%. I don't expect you to wait for me to be ready. I cannot give you promises, i cannot tell you WHEN i'll be ready. I have yet to figure that out, myself. Thank you for being the genuine and kind person you have been since day one. I'm trying. I am.

You know, it’s funny, I could never say I was sorry.
I was never wrong.
Maybe that’s what our time apart has taught me; that I’m not always right. Sometimes, none of us ever are.

I wish you love. I wish you happiness. I wish to hear wonderful stories from you, one day over coffee. Stories about how happy you are, and how happy I am – even though we both know half of the world only claims to be happy to avoid a vulnerable profile.

Keep your chin up, sweets.
I want everyone to see the face that I love the most ☺
-jLv